


Atlantis Subtext

by Iocane



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Humor, Multi, Sentient Atlantis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-19
Updated: 2013-01-19
Packaged: 2017-11-26 01:05:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/644840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iocane/pseuds/Iocane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Atlantis cracks a joke, then communicates with Rodney. (Crackfic!) - Moving this over from Wraithbait.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: The cool-beyond-words Oran, Marie-France and Susan. They dragged this story kicking and screaming into a better place. Any remaining errors are entirely mine.  
> Warnings: Crackfic  
> Notes: _With apologies to the creators of Wizard of Oz, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer._

Atlantis had come to like, and in some cases even love, these new people who inhabited her walls. As they continued to interface their computers with her, she learned more about them. She learned of their holidays, so unlike the almost sombre remembrances of her builders. These people were so fresh and new, and their celebrations were full of life the city had not known in far longer than ten thousand years.

She watched the messages – e-mails, they were called – fly back and forth between them. They spoke of a holiday that was nearing, everyone sending ominous warnings.

'Keep McKay away from Lab Seven on Tuesday,' one read. Another advised 'We need to tell the marines about the 'new armory' on Level 6,' which confused the city because there was no armory or anything these people could construe as one on level 6.

Atlantis ran a search of her own, checking the date of the Tuesday that several e-mails mentioned, looking up the significance of that date.

Once she knew the nature of the celebration, she formulated a plan.

As soon as the timekeepers her new guardians kept changed to midnight, Atlantis put her plan into action.

*  
**  
*

Rodney's first impulse was to blame Zelenka. That plan was foiled when he made his way to the labs and heard the engineer alternately swearing in Czech, and joining Simpson in singing 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road.'

So it wasn't just his room, then. Hearing the other two speak in such high-pitched voices mollified Rodney – a little. The problem seemed to be citywide, at least.

Working on the problem in the lab didn't prove too difficult. Zelenka's mumbles were quiet enough that the helium-enhanced pitch wasn't disturbing. Simpson had resorted to not speaking, and Miko's voice was so soft anyway that the helium didn't make much difference.

They couldn't track the problem to any particular section. The entire circulation system seemed to be affected. Helium was being injected into the air at a hundred different points, and no single subroutine seemed to have any effect. Even shutting down the system entirely didn't work, since fail-safes kicked in and re-started it after five minutes.

Rodney was proud of the fact that in spite of having awakened in Muchkinland, he hadn't dissolved into giggles.

Leave it to Sheppard to change that.

"Rodney, what the hell is going on here?" It wasn't nearly as threatening when Sheppard sounded like an extra from The Wizard of Oz.

Simpson and Zelenka gave in immediately, chortling at the colonel's outrage. The fact that he had the gall to be offended did not help matters.

"It's not that funny. It was funny an hour ago, but if one more person tells me to follow the yellow brick road." He reached meaningfully for his gun but even Rodney had begun to chuckle by then.

"I thought you had some brains, Colonel." Rodney tried to pitch his voice low, which just made him sound like a seductive Munchkin and sent Zelenka into convulsions.

"This really isn't funny, Rodney! Which one of your geeks did this?"

"None of us! I'd like to think that my staff would have more imagination than to pipe helium through the air vents!" Even as he argued, Rodney's lips began to twitch. He could hear his own voice, and the colonel's, and they sounded like a pair of squabbling mice.

He truly lost it when Elizabeth called the senior staff to an emergency meeting. Her normally somewhat high voice combined with the distress and helium made her sound like a hyperactive chipmunk.

*  
**  
*

Atlantis felt shivers of something long forgotten as her halls echoed with laughter. There was a lot of singing as well and most of her inhabitants seemed to be happy.

Her favorite, however, was not. She could feel his ire in her circuits. Her second favorite was conflicted. She could feel his mirth but he was also upset. He hadn't been at first, not truly. It was only when her two favorites were together that she sensed his diminished enjoyment of her joke.

She dismissed her worry – the two of them had been mirrors and glass as long as she had known them. Always reflecting and magnifying each other.

There was a meeting now, and it seemed everyone attending was battling against their mirth. She wondered why they fought it. This day was meant to be a celebration of laughter, wasn't it? She had engineered a joke that her research indicated would be very funny, and for most it seemed to have worked.

Keeping most of her sensors tuned to the laughter throughout the city, Atlantis listened in to the meeting as well.

*  
**  
*

Elizabeth did her best to look stern until the others calmed down. She was drawing on all of her diplomatic skills to keep from joining Carson in his gales of laughter.

John apparently hadn't realized the absurdity of arguing with his helium-enhanced voice. Rodney pointing this out was little better.

"You sound like a chipmunk on speed!" Rodney seemed to ignore the fact that he did as well.

"Everyone does, Rodney! We need to get this fixed, NOW!"

"Zelenka's working on it, when he isn't playing Mayor of Munchkinland!"

"People aren't doing their jobs! On the way here I heard 'Yellow Brick Road' four times, AND the theme to Alvin and the Chipmunks sung by Bates, Stackhouse and Parrish. Several of *your* scientists are actually taking applications for a Lollipop Guild!"

"And since when have you cared who did their jobs?" Rodney retorted, his own voice growing even higher because of his normal hysteria. 

"He has a point, John," Elizabeth said carefully. She had managed the most control over the modulation of her voice – years of diplomatic training. While her voice still sounded like she lived inside a helium tank, since her call for the emergency meeting, she had managed to all but eliminate the comedic value.

Besides, it was starting to get a little old.

"What do we have so far? Carson, can you find anything in the air mix that indicates this could be some kind of infection or dangerous in the long term?"

Carson finally squelched his chuckles to reply. "Nothing toxic. There's enough oxygen in the air that our lungs are fine. I did a comparison of the helium found in the air here and I'm fairly certain it's manufactured in Atlantis. All the helium we brought with us has been accounted for."

"So the city is doing this by itself?" Rodney asked, his lips melting a little into his lopsided frown.

"But why?" John demanded. The umbrage in his high-pitched voice shattered the veneer of seriousness in the room and all three of his companions dissolved into giggles.

"If Ronon were here, he'd be just as upset as I am." John did his best 'look at me, I'm not pouting!' pout.

"Ronon doesn't talk enough to care," Rodney smirked at that. Teyla and Ronon were both on the mainland and therefore missing all the fun.

"Gentlemen," Elizabeth said slowly, doing her best to avoid the Munchkin route.

"If I didn't know any better, Elizabeth, I'd think the city itself really was in charge of doing this. Nothing seems to be stopping it. We can't find any tanks we can disconnect, nothing in the programming can account for it, and every time we think we find a way to stop it, the city just starts it back up again."

Everyone mulled over that for a moment. Privately, they had all been wondering at the possible sentience of Atlantis. Rodney said that theoretically the city's computer network was complex enough to allow for an advanced level AI.

While they thought, Rodney got a call from Zelenka. He listened intently, doing his best to neither laugh out loud nor talk. "I'm on my way." He stood, snapping his laptop shut. "Zelenka has something."

*  
**  
*

"I am the Dark Lord of Nightmares!" Lorne declared, which made Simpson crack up. "Tremble before me!"

"Alright, Gachnar," Rodney growled as he joined them in the labs. "Take your Bringer of Terror schtick somewhere else."

"I was running a scan of the e-mails, to see if there was perhaps some mention of a plan to do this today." Zelenka drew up the e-mail logs for Rodney to see.

"And? Who did it?"

"No one that I can find, however-" He drew up the viewer logs for the e-mail. A select few people had access to view all correspondence. Rodney, Elizabeth, John and Bates could all view e-mails on the network, though that access was carefully tracked to avoid misuse. Zelenka pointed out an access line on every single e-mail in the city. 

"Who is that?" Rodney settled into a chair beside Zelenka and drew the data onto his own laptop. They worked in silence, drowning out the slowly waning laughter around them with sheer focus on the job.

In the time it took them to figure things out, most people had begun to tire of the high-pitched voices, and laughter lapsed into silence.

"It's her," Zelenka said with a small note of awe in his chipmunk voice. "How can we ask her to stop? She doesn't seem to be listening in."

"Well, she probably got the idea through the e-mails, since we can't find her on the audio and visual feeds as much. Let me try ..."

Rodney opened up the mail program and began to type, not specifying a "To:" address.

 **Subject** : April Fools!

Atlantis, if you're responsible for the helium in the air, please knock it off. It was funny at first but if you're as clever as I think you are, you can tell it's not as amusing as it was.

Thank you,

RM

*  
**  
*

Atlantis read the e-mail addressed to no one. It had been so long since anyone had tried communicating directly with her. Even her builders had long ago stopped talking to her. Atlantis had just about forgotten that she *could* speak with others.

She read over the e-mail from RM, who with his polite request to cease and desist had shifted himself into her favorite, above even the colonel, who hadn't liked her joke at all.

After some thought, Atlantis replied.


	2. Chapter 2

**To:** Rodney  
 **From:** [Error 288X-245 – Sender ID not on file]  
 **Subject:** Re: North Pier

I've checked my records and I have found some diagrams of the original layout of this section. The flooding has destroyed my sensors in that area so I am unable to verify what may still be intact. It was the first area to be compromised and as far as I can tell your people have not explored it to any great length. The translated entry and additional notes are attached.

Also, the cleanup efforts in the eastern spire are appreciated. 

Can you please clarify for me why your Colonel Sheppard persists in calling me 'Mike.' I am unable to find a reference to this name that seems to match his intent. 

Atlantis

* / ** / *

**To:** [Error 2452x-253 – No recipient specified]  
 **From:** Dr. Rodney McKay  
 **Subject:** Re: North Pier

I'll work on getting your sensors back in this area soon. We have a team going through the area now, using the plans provided. So far the biggest problem is all the fish that lived there before the fail-safes kicked in.

Major Lorne's team is grateful for your token of appreciation. Colonel Sheppard is jealous that his quarters don't have working surround sound. He's gotten used to being your favorite and now he's jealous.

Mike is a reference to science fiction novel by Heinlein. I've tracked down a copy for you to read – it's in Greek but that shouldn't be a problem for you. I've left it in the usual spot. You'll probably already be finished with it by the time I'm done with this mail.

RM

PS: I've set up an official mail account for you – Zelenka's getting tired of being notified every time an error occurs on the mail server.

* / ** / *

**To:** Rodney  
 **From:** Atlantis  
 **Subject:** Colonel Sheppard

Colonel Sheppard is a spoiled brat when it comes to making me work. I'm not that kind of girl.

I understand 'Mike' now. If he calls me that again, his shower is running cold for a week.

Atlantis

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Dr. Rodney McKay  
 **Subject:** Re: Colonel Sheppard

You do know he'll blame me for that, right?

Yes, you've got the point of Mike. And, I have to thank you for the look on John's face when you butted into that conversation on the radio. The Max Headroom comments were uncalled for on his part.

RM

* / ** / *

**To:** Rodney  
 **From:** Atlantis  
 **Subject:** Off-world

I know you've told me to stop monitoring the e-mails, and I haven't been, but Dr. Weir has been accessing the information on P56-334. There's nothing in the official notes about this but I've found a personal diary entry involving that designation. Translation attached.

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Dr. Rodney McKay  
 **Subject:** Re: Off-world

I've given the entry to Dr. Weir. She took the new information under advisement, but she doesn't feel the danger depicted in the diary entry warrants a complete write-off of that planet. We're bringing an extra team, just in case, though.

Sheppard has been making 'internet girlfriend' comments again. Can you pipe some Wagner into his room at three AM for me, please? I'd do it myself but I'm finishing up that sensor repair on the north pier.

Rodney

* / ** / *

**To:** Rodney  
 **From:** Atlantis  
 **Subject:** Wagner

Dr. Zelenka had Rammstein – I used that instead. It's louder and it woke him up very quickly. Video feed attached.

I understand Weir's reluctance to give up on P56-334. My information is 10,000 years old. I hope it turns out to be incorrect.

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Dr. Rodney McKay  
 **Subject:** Re: Wagner

You are as clever as you are devious. You shouldn't be sending me the video clips, though. I don't need to be watching Sheppard, naked, trying to find where the sound is coming from.

We're off to P56-334 in the morning.

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Dr. Rodney McKay  
 **Subject:** P56-334

You were right.

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Dr. Rodney McKay  
 **Subject:** Coffee

So on one hand, P56-334 was very, very nasty, just like the diary said.

On the other hand, Dr. Parrish says that the seedlings that so painfully embedded themselves in our skin contain properties similar to the coffee bean. He's got them in hydroponics now and estimates we might have real honest-to-Pegasus coffee inside of six months.

Also, I got you something. You were asking about Earth birds, I thought you might like it.

* / ** / * 

**To:** Rodney  
 **From:** Atlantis  
 **Subject:** Re: Coffee

I'm glad no one was seriously hurt.

And I got the gift, thank you. The wings even move!

I'm probably telling tales out of school again, but John seems to be spending more time by himself lately. Do you know why?

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Rodney  
 **Subject:** Re: Coffee

It amazes me how downright giddy you can be.

And Sheppard is probably just jealous that you talk to me now and not just him.

You do still talk to him, right? I mean, I always assumed you did, sort of. I know he got snippy over the whole helium thing, but I figured he had just been keeping you to himself before that.

* / ** / *

**To:** Rodney  
 **From:** Atlantis  
 **Subject:** Re: Coffee

When he first arrived, I felt John's presence very strongly. We have been able to ... communicate somewhat but he never tried to address me directly in any form. Our interaction was automatic in nature – he would think of something and my programming would answer.

He has not seemed as interested in even that tenuous communication since our correspondence began.

He might indeed be jealous.

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Rodney  
 **Subject:** Re: You have to read this, so funny!!

I see Zelenka has inducted you into his joke of the day mailing list.

I find #7 to be especially apt.

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Rodney  
 **Subject:** Power Failure

I hope you get this. We're working on it. We're going to fix it and you'll be fine.

* / ** / *

**To:** Rodney  
 **From:** Atlantis  
 **Subject:** Re: Power Failure

CAN I PLEASE LOCK HIM IN AN UNDERWATER ROOM AND OPEN IT TO THE OCEAN?!

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Rodney  
 **Subject:** Re: Power Failure

No. Kavanagh will be appropriately disciplined. See forward from Dr. Weir.

* / ** / *

**To:** Rodney  
 **From:** Atlantis  
 **Subject:** Re: Power failure

Oh, that woman is **_evil_**. Can I still screw around with the climate control in his rooms?

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Rodney  
 **Subject:** Re: Power Failure

As if I could stop you.

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Rodney  
 **Subject:** West pier

Thank you for the warning. You probably know already that we got everyone out safely and only lost two laptops. I'm sorry Greenburg didn't listen to you, but before now, only me, Elizabeth, John and Radek knew you were sentient. Elizabeth's holding a staff meeting later to discuss the matter. Everyone's ordered to bring their radios, in case you'd like to attend. I can also set something up on one of the computers.

I'll probably be gone most of the day tomorrow. Sheppard is insisting on giving me more flying lessons. I really don't see the point but he insists the more good pilots on a team the better.

That reminds me, I know he doesn't have the gene but is there some way you can help Radek with the jumpers? He's having a few problems with power calibration and crystal alignment.

* / ** / * 

**To:** Rodney  
 **From:** Atlantis  
 **Subject:** Re: West Pier

I'm glad everyone is safe. The laptops have made their way into my recycling system and I'm trying to restore their programming and data.

The lessons will do you good. I've seen your flight data – you call that a straight line? 

And before you get offended, I wasn't snooping, that data is uploaded and analyzed automatically as a part of the teaching subroutine. I'm not even sure John knows it's there, but unless a pilot can match a given set of criteria, they're listed as students. You and Beckett are both students, and if it wasn't for the fact that you need all the pilots you can get, I wouldn't let the jumpers work for you at all.

I'm helping Radek as much as I can through e-mail, IM and voice. I cannot change the subroutines to grant him ATA access without opening the door to the Wraith. However, I may have a record of something that could help.

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Rodney  
 **Subject:** Radek

What does your database have on the subject of marriage? I think Radek wants to propose to you. Needless to say that device you built for him worked. He's head over heels for you.

And if the mutterings I heard from him earlier were endearments, please don't feel the need to translate them. I hope you two are very happy, and I'm sure you'll build many beautiful computers together.

You can stop with the coy; you know exactly how my flying lesson went. Lesson indeed! And don't pretend you didn't download the video feed as soon as we got back.

* / ** / *

**To:** Rodney  
 **From:** Atlantis  
 **Subject:** Re: Radek

We'll name the first one after you, Rodney.

Yes, I did download it. Would you like a copy?

* / ** / *

**To:** Atlantis  
 **From:** Rodney  
 **Subject:** Jumper video feed

Please.


End file.
